Obviously An English Literature Major...
From the Interesting-News-Stories Dept.
The police blotter in small town Ponoka, Alberta (Canada)... What could be more boring, right? After all, the lead story on the Ponoka News web site right now is the 100th birthday of Paulina Leimert... So how do you get people interested in police activity that wouldn't even be commited to paper in a larger city? You put someone with storytelling ability in front of the keyboard... You don't just get the facts, you get the story to go with the facts... And that makes the Police Blotter more fun to read than your last paperback...
(Oh... And happy birthday Paulina!)
From the May 24th Police Blotter in Ponoka, Alberta...
Between May 14th and the 21st, Ponoka RCMP responded to over 166 complaints and requests for assistance. Many people chose to spend the May long weekend somewhere other than home. About 26 of them chose the Ponoka Detachment cell blocks.
A local, 75 year old man comes by his cowboy credentials the old fashioned way. John Wayne style. While in the lineup inside the local Tim Horton’s, a man, 25 -30 years his junior, tried to push his way past the Stetson wearing elder, claiming “right of way”. The elder cowboy disagrees and retains his place at the front of the line and at the counter. He calmly placed his order, drew the money from his pocket, payed for his purchase and pocketed the change, all the while doing so, with one hand holding back the larger, angrier, younger man. This was observed by an RCMP Corporal and a Staff Sergeant in that same line up. Neither offered any assistance to this old cowboy, as apparently, none was needed. In fact one may now be considering offering him a job.
Picture this. You are on the Start Line waiting for the staging light to flash green. The very millisecond it does you snap the clutch and stomp down hard on the accelerator. The powerful Chevrolet motor spins the rear wheels faster than the vehicle is able to move forward. The result is a howling screech of tires and a thick, rapidly expanding, cloud of smoke. As your forward velocity begins to match that of the rear tires you can imagine yourself seeing this exhibition from the eyes of a spectator who hears the furious roar of the engine and tires squealing and watches as your mighty vehicle emerges from the billowing cloud of smoke en-route to a record breaking run to the finish line.
Imagine that you are the police officer watching this idiot doing a brake stand right in front of you as you are exiting the police station parking lot. Imagine dividing your attention between the meathead driving the pick up truck and the legions of startled pedestrians in the vicinity which seemed to be popping like er well like popcorn in response to the sudden deafening cacophony. Imagine your satisfaction in delivering the $402 stunting ticket to this veteran subject of Blotter’s past.
This weeks most unusual complaint referred to a Scrabble game, gone horribly wrong. A woman reported that she was having a friendly game of on-line Scrabble with someone, she believed to be a kindly, grandmotherly type. During their "chat" she was provided instructions as to how to set up and activate her web-cam (it came with her new PC) so that they could see each other as they played and chatted. The web cam was fired up and "oh dear!", Granny looked like an ugly man. In fact, given that she had an Adam’s apple, she probably was an ugly man. This she found to be a little weird. What really mortified her was the second man, standing behind Granny, madly tugging on a part of his lower anatomy, commonly believed to cause blindness. The proper term for which is potentially a "Triple, Triple word score" if positioned just so.
At sunrise, one day this week, police received a complaint of a suspicious person found inside the complainants garage. The complainant gave chase but lost the trespasser in the woods of a nearby park. "Did he take anything?", enquired the investigator. Yeah, complained the homeowner, he took a dump. Apparently the uninvited squatter was only half finished when he was startled by the homeowner. He hurriedly pulled up his pants and ran passed the complainant. During the chase, a third party snapped a picture of the Phantom Flopper with her camera / phone. A "wanted" poster is under consideration. Stay tuned.
Police were dispatched to a complaint that six people were astride a single minibike and were racing up and down the street near the complainants residence. Why am I reminded of circus clowns? In any event, they were gone on arrival. Too bad too. Six stunting tickets for six different people in relation to the same vehicle at the same time. That qualifies the member writing those tickets to their choice of a toaster oven or a set of lawn darts.
A concerned motorist reported that their was a large animal carcass lying across both southbound lanes of the QE2. Envisioning a moose or buffalo lying across the road and acknowledging the need to attend immediately to remove it, police did so. The member was surprised to discover that the carcass was that of a coyote. To the callers credit though, it appeared larger in two dimensions than it typically does in three. In Depot I recall asking one of my driving instructors why we had to keep snow shovels in the trunks of our police cars. "You’ll find out", he said with a mischievous grin.
Police received a 911 call from someone who was walking near the 50th Avenue bridge and witnessed a man grab a woman by the hair and drag her into the woods. Police attended and undertook an immediate search of the area. A police dog and handler attended soon after to assist. The dog indicated on a scent at the place where the pair were last seen and followed it. The trail seemingly ended at the site of clearing in the middle of some dense bush, specifically at the place marked by a collapsed pup tent. The dog was ordered to keep searching but he had other ideas and instead bit the tent. Surprisingly, the tent let out an agonized sounding yelp. Inside the tent, the couple was located. Both were drunk as skunks and explained that they were playing "caveman" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). They both spent the rest of the night in separate cells where their frolicking was confined to the limits of their vocabulary and their ability to effectively construct their thoughts into effective sentences. Before that ... he was escorted to the hospital for treatment of his saber-toothed tiger bites.
If you have information about any unsolved crime or ongoing criminal enterprise, you can call the Ponoka RCMP at 783-4472 or call Crime Stoppers at 1-800-222-TIPS