Because everything else is just keeping up

Have These Soccer Stars Been Hit in the Head Once Too Often?
(Soccer Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

"My parents have been there for me. Ever since I was about seven." (David Beckham)
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game, as long as we won the league." (Mark Viduka)
"We lost because we didn't win." (Ronaldo)
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." (Mick Draper)
"It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked." (Steward Pearce)
"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match." (Steward Pearce)
"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." (Steward Pearce)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." (Steward Pearce)
"I couldn't settle in Italy -- it was like living in a foreign country." (Ian Rush)
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer)
"Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win." (Vinny Jones)
"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level." (David Beckham)
(from Cybersalt Digest newsletter)

How not to rob a bank
(Jesse James Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

Here are some lessons learned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick the Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, Calif., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak to the Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, Calif., presented his note to the teller. Her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
A demand note was written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Go Easy on the Disguise:
One robber, dressed as a woman with very heavy make up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse, and thinking it was a tollbooth offered the security police money.

Be Aware of the Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Mass., who hit the bank at 4:30 p.m., then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush-hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His get-away car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Things only a Mom can Teach
(Son of a mother Jones)

From the Jones-Tested-and-Approved Dept.

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Signs Your SUV Is Too Big
(Small Car Jones)

From the Finally-They-Got-It-Right Dept.

When you replaced your tires, Goodyear stock went up five dollars a share for the quarter.
Your garage is larger than your house.
Your kids refer to riding the bus to school as "downsizing."
Before go you out, you have to file for a parade permit.
It has its own gravitational field and has drawn a Geo Metro into orbit.
It doubles as a carport for your Taurus.
Your buddy riding shotgun is in a different time zone.
Mortgage payment = $2,200. Texaco card payment = $2,201.
You get a letter from Hans Blix demanding that it be dismantled immediately because it qualifies as a WMD.
The fuel gauge doubles as a fan.

Laws to live by
(Live by the law Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

~ If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
~ When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
~ Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.
~ When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
~ Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
~ Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
~ People are always available for work in the past tense.
~ In any organization, there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
~ The first myth of management is that it exists.
~ For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Signs You Are Broke
(Impoverished Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
~ Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
~ Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
~ Your bologna has no first name.
~ You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.
~ Sally Struthers sends you food.
~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
~ When communion is served at church you go back for seconds.
(from Mikey's Funnies)

Winter temperatures
(Wintertime Jones)

From the News-Worth-Repeating Dept.

What happens at these Fahrenheit temperatures:
+65 - Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.
+60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one).
+50 - Miami residents turn on the heat.
+45 - Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.
+40 - You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
+35 - Italian cars don't start.
+32 - Water freezes.
+30 - You plan your vacation to Australia.
+25 - Ohio water freezes. Californians weep. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
+20 - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation farther South.
+15 - French cars don't start. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
+10 - You need jumper cables to get the car going.
+ 5 - American cars don't start.
0 - Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 - German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 - Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 - You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 - Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters. Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 - Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south. Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

I want one
(Lazy-boy Jones)

From the Gifts-Worth-Giving Dept.

A Minnesota man has been convicted after driving his motorized La-Z-Boy lounge chair into a parked vehicle while under the influence of alcohol.

The 62-year-old drove his motorized chair into a vehicle parked near the bar where he had consumed several beers. According to a report from the Duluth News-Tribune, his blood-alcohol content was measured at 0.29, more than three times the legal limit to drive.

An officer with the Proctor, Minn., police said, "The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower with a Briggs & Stratton engine. It has a stereo, cup holders and other custom options, including different power levels...The chair had a small steering wheel, about a third of the size of a golf cart's, coming straight up from the middle of the La-Z-Boy."

Perhaps DWR (driving while reclined) laws soon will hit the books.

It probably seemed like a good idea at the time.
(Incredulous Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

A would-be robber in Little Rock, Ark., lost his wallet during an attempted robbery. Later he phoned the victim and asked for it to be returned, according to an Oct. 14 AP story.

Apparently the 23-year-old man tried to rob another man at gunpoint at his home but fled. In the process, he dropped his wallet, then later called and asked the victim to return the wallet at a service station in North Little Rock.

Police were interviewing the victim when the call came. They notified other officers, who found the suspect outside the service station and arrested him after a short foot chase.

No word as to whether the man got his wallet back.

Was Dilbert an Indian?
("Dilbert" Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in contemporary organizations other strategies have often been tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.
9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.
16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.
18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.
19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.
20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

I've hearrd of high taxes, but ...
(Over-taxed Jonees)

From the Site-News Dept.

Everyone knew cigarette taxes were going up, but this seems a bit overboard.

At least that's what one New Hampshire man must think after he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack and was charged over 23 quadrillion dollars.

According to a July 15 AP story, Josh Muszynski checked his account online a few hours later and saw the 17-digit number -- a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

The now impoverished smoker then spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to fix the problem -- and remove the $15 overdraft fee. (Who knew it only cost $15 to overdraft 23 quadrillion dollars?)

The bank corrected the error the next day. Bank of America says only the card issuer, Visa, could answer questions. Visa, in turn, referred questions to the bank.

Meanwhile, the same gas station has now put cigarettes on sale -- only $12 quadrillion a pack this week.

Deep Thoughts
("Deep Thinking" Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

~ If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
~ I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the "self-help" section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
~ And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word lisp?
~ If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
~ Is there another word for synonym?
~ Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do practice?
~ Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
~ What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
~ Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
~ Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
~ Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
~ Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
~ What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Ooops!
(Oh! Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

Chalk this one up to a really, really bad case of forgetfulness.

According to a June 10 AP story, an Israeli woman bought her elderly mother a new bed as a surprise and threw out the old mattress. It wasn't until the next morning that she found out that her mother had hidden her life savings inside that old mattress -- almost $1 million.

The mattress had already been carried away by garbage collectors, so she went to the landfill and frantically began searching for the mattress with its hidden treasure -- searching among the 2,500 tons of trash that arrives at that landfill each day.

The AP story indicated the woman claimed her money "was in U.S. dollars and Israeli shekels. She refused to say how she acquired such a large sum. 'It was all my money in the world,' she said. There was no way to verify her claims, and she refused to disclose key details. Israeli police spokesman Micky Rosenfeld said he was not familiar with the case and no report had been filed."

Smiley?
(Chocoholic Jones)

From the Rants-Go-On-Forever Dept.

Now I have nothing against technology or social networking sites or texting. But here's my question...
I am currently enjoying a bag of a particular brand of chocolate that often packages the pieces with a saying or message of some kind inside each morsel's wrapper. I'm first and foremost after the chocolate and so generally ignore the messages, but one caught my eye today. To quote: "Go ahead, have another :-)".
It's a chocolate, not my cell phone or e-mail. Does noboby recognize a smiley-face anymore if it's not turned on its side?

AND THE CADDY SAYS...
(Recovering golfer Jones)

From the Just-Wanted-To-Share Dept.

Golfer: "I think I am going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Do you think that my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a five iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually!"

Golfer: "You must be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so, sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time."
Caddy: "It's not a watch; it's a compass."

Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir, but personally I prefer golf."

Golfer: "Do you think it is a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it is a sin on any day."

Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it is too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

They said what?
(Lawyer Jones)

From the Truth-Is-Stranger-Than-Fiction Dept.

You've probably seen them before, but we just love to read these transcriptions from actual court cases:

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old -- how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

12-STEP INTERNET RECOVERY PROGRAM
(Addicted Jones)

From the Good-News Dept.

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family who are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone with whom I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book ... if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether it's necessary or not.
11) I will remember my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember I must go to bed sometime ... and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!


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